the artist's way wk 1

[kadukie]

🗡️ list three old enemies of your creative self-worth

• my mom never supported my artistic side. i think she just always saw it as a childish hobby, and struggled to give me any of the acknowledgment that i was truly seeking. i can think of numerous times i would try to show her something i had done, asked her what she thought, and she would not even bother to look. she only ever pushed me to pursue "safe" career choices, such as those that made money and/or were prestigious in some way. no mom, i am not going to go to medical school. unfortunately, she is still like this today but i've simply learned not to bark up that tree. 
• i had a high school ex-boyfriend who was also a creative. specifically, he wrote music, played multiple instruments, and sang. i admired him a lot and obviously thought pretty highly of his opinion at the time. however, looking back now i realize that even though we made good friends and had fun together, we were ideologically different people. i remember him finding my art weird if not outright repulsive. and maybe it was a little weird, but it was my brand of weird and i enjoyed making it! the only thing i regret is not coming to my own defense, but i had a lot of growing to do in the confidence department back then. 
• finally, and maybe this is a cop out answer, i guess my oldest enemy is myself. i've always been easily distracted away from art because i wanted it to come as easily to me as a lot of other things did (not necessarily skills, but life in general). i never quite learned how to keep up a disciplined practice and let myself become blocked over time. and now that guilt has followed me into adulthood when i have less time and opportunity to put myself to work. 

👻 select and write out one horror story from your monster hall of fame

i can think of one afternoon i spent with said ex-boyfriend and a new friend he was getting to know better. he was also into music and the two were practicing a song together at his house. i tagged along and had been working on a drawing while they played. a lot of my drawings were admittedly pretty sexually charged back then because lol teenage years. specifically, i had been doodling a tree nymph who had sap running down her leg (very edgy). the friend asked to see what i was doing, and even though i didn't really want to show off this drawing i relented. i remember raised eyebrows and exbf being embarrassed. this was one of multiple incidents in which he'd be embarrassed by me, and it took me several years to heal from his later rejection. 

😤 write a letter in your defense 

dear d, 

i know we were just children back then, but i wish i could have seen that deep down you were just as insecure as i was. i never should have let you project these insecurities onto me, but i was immature and confused about what i really wanted from you. you didn't understand my art because at the end of the day, we just liked different things and that's okay. i'm glad that i continued to be weird in spite of how small you made me feel, because i think it's made me a more interesting person. all things considered, i hope you're doing well and are happy/thriving because that's what we both deserve. 

💞 list three old champions of your creative self-worth

• one of my art instructors at NIC, allie, was someone i was lucky to meet just before she retired. even though i don't think i really understood her instruction fully at the time, and struggled a bit in her classes, i learned so much and wish i could go back and try again now that i'm older. 
• naturally, my beautiful friend shay has always been my longest standing and most consistent champion. i appreciate her down to earth nature and am inspired by her perseverance with her own practice. it's a friendly reminder that there is no rush, and we can all go at our own pace and make observable progress. 
• my other good friend eden is someone who i know i can always go to for honest and thoughtful feedback. i feel like i can be truly vulnerable when we discuss art, which is something that can sometimes (maybe often) be so personal. i also appreciate that he encourages me to push and challenge myself. i'll never forget him telling me that he thinks i'm a good artist. 

💌 select and write one thank you letter

dear allie, 

thank you for picking me out in drawing class and suggesting i try watercolor pastels because you thought that i would like it. i was taken aback because it really made me feel like you'd been thinking of me; that i had made an impression. in that moment, i felt seen by you. maybe it had been totally innocuous and unplanned, but it planted in me that drive to impress and improve. thank you for being my mentor, however short of time it was. i hope you're still in town and i bump into you at the grocery store again soon. 

🌠  if you had five other lives to lead, what would you do? 

• travel blogger
• japanese teacher
• games journalist
• fashion designer
• interior decorator

 

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